ASTROGLIDE Baseball Survey Finds 80% of People Will Only Give a Peck for the Kiss Cam
PDA May Be a No Go at the Ballpark, But These 5 Tips Will Load the Bases and Get You a Firework Ovation in the Bedroom
Astroglide’s first ever Baseball Sex Survey found that 80 percent of people would only give a peck if the kiss cam landed on them. In America’s favorite, PDA is apparently unwanted. This should come as no surprise. After all, who wants to French kiss someone who just stuffed his/her face with hot dogs, cheesy pretzels, Cracker Jacks and cheap beer?
So keep it kosher on the kiss cam. But in the bedroom this season, we at ASTROGLIDE are still committed to helping you hit a grand slam. Whether you’re up to bat or in the field, here are five steps to a perfect game:
- Surprise the Defense
If you’re in a relationship, you’re probably used to hitting infield grounders and lofty popups – and still getting on base. It’s time to put one deep in right field. Instead of approaching sex like Jemaine in Flight of the Concords’ “Business Time”, add some spontaneity. Ladies, lure your man to bedroom with a trail of Babe Ruths, and wear something that will get him swinging. As far as we’re concerned, you only need a hat to play ball.
- Sprint to First With Your Lips, Not Your Tongue
Match.com’s kissing survey discovered that the ultimate crime was “too much tongue”. Nothing kills a mood quite like canine kisses masquerading as French kisses. So a) Tease with some soft pecks – no line drives, and b) Work the edges of the lips with the tip of your tongue, and then c) When you go in for the full Frenchie, mind your tongue work. The tongue is more like paint brush than a baseball bat. Your painting would look pretty odd if you only painted one single spot, right? Your partner has nerve endings everywhere, folks.
- Don’t Rush to Second Base
Ok, second base isn’t that big of a deal. This isn’t junior high at the movie theatre either. When the second baseman wants to tag a runner with a big lead, he gradually moves to second, so as not to freak out the runner. With your lips, work the neck, the upper chest and shoulders. With the hands, tell her how beautiful her entire body is (hair, face, pelvis, inner thigh, behind the knees, etc.). Get close, but don’t bring your lips or hands to her chest until she’s just dying for you to round the base.
- Steal Third With Style
Can’t decide whether to reach down or go down? Men, if you’re going to steal third, steal all of it. Before you slide into third though, put some ASTROGLIDE on the tip of your fingers. Baseball players spit all the time, but saliva dries out way too fast in this ballpark. So lube up, and as you begin to stimulate your partner’s vagina with your hand, make sure you’re still working her lips, neck, ear lobe, chest, etc. with the mouth and the other hand. Didn’t you know ambidexterity is an advantage in baseball? As she start’s to heat up, patiently work your mouth lower. Work the hips, work the inner thigh, but don’t miss a beat with your hand. And once she’s begging for your mouth to join your hand at third, then let your lips and tongue share some of the work.
- Sliding into Home
Guys, I know we’re putting a lot of the work on you, but we did do a baseball survey, not a softball survey, so deal with it. At this point, you’ve loaded the bases, and if you played a good inning, she is waiting at home plate. Remember, keep all the bases going – your mouth and all limbs play for the same team. Ladies, if your man played a good inning, switch to offense by rolling on top. In this game, batting gets pretty tiring.
We owe baseball for the beer, the hot dogs, the Cracker Jacks and the world’s best sexual innuendos. There’s just nothing like a sport with bats, balls and gloves (Helmets, footballs and turf? Give me a break). Remember, there’s an 80% chance she or he doesn’t want to be French smooched at the game, so don’t swing at that wild pitch. If you have any good baseball-theme tips we missed during this article, swing for the stars on our Facebook page or Twitter.
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