Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat

7 Surefire Ways to Spark Your Sex Drive

Over 50 percent of women have put off sex—even when they’re in the mood—because they feel too fat. A recent study showed that how you feel about your body has more influence on libido than even menopause.


Sound familiar? It doesn’t have to.


In Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fatsex guru Michael Alvear offers proven techniques to help women shed negative feelings of self-consciousness about their bodies, with surprising and helpful solutions from the latest sex research.

Here are 7 surefire ways to spark your sex drive, the next time you’re worried about showing off your bod in bed:


1. Speak up. Being still, quiet and passive are ways of withdrawing from activity—leaving nothing left to focus on but your body. The secret to managing your mind is bed is to be active: talk, engage, exchange. Move so you can stop being a sight to see and be a force to be felt.








2. Lower your estimate. Research shows that women with body anxiety overestimate the size and shape of their body by at least 25%. When you’re focusing on your body, apply the 25% margin of error. Your butt just got 1/4 smaller than you thought.






3.  Get active, then get frisky. Exercise doesn’t just affect your abs. It also raises hormones linked with arousal—estrogen, prolactin, and, cortisol—particularly 30 min. after the workout. Plan your sexy evening before hitting the gym, to make the most of its effect.





4. Sexual competence builds body confidence. Women who consider themselves “good in bed” report far less anxiety, even when researchers held their weight constant. Feeling good about what your body can do is the first step to feeling good about your body.



5. Share your fantasy. Fantasize your way out of your appearance anxiety. Go light or go Fifty Shades of Grey, but go. Inhabiting new people and situations makes you far less likely to focus on your thighs






6.  Develop erotic cues. From smelling your favorite aftershave to just having a heart-to-heart talk with your guy, finding your body’s cues triggers a response that brings your desires to conscious awareness.






7.  Find your best light. No supermodel can save harsh lighting, so take time to do a room makeover, keeping lighting soft and low wattage. Think about installing a dimmer switch—or even a strobe light.

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About The Author


MICHAEL ALVEAR cohosted the HBO series The Sex Inspectors. His commentaries have been heard on NPR’s All Things Considered and he has been a guest on The Tyra Banks Show and The Today Show.  His columns have appeared in The New York Times and Newsweek, and he blogs for The Huffington Post. For more information