Valentine’s Day is around the corner and already people are preparing to woo their romantic partners with dinner reservations, flowers, and expensive gifts.
Some of the extravagances will be well-received. Others … well, better luck next year. Fortunately, research shows that not all hope is lost if Valentine’s Day is a dud. In fact, the strongest relationships are built on efforts couples make every day, not just on holidays.
Kale Monk, an assistant professor at the University of Missouri and the state specialist for Youth & Families Extension, has done extensive research on how couples in romantic relationships deal with transitions and instability. Before becoming a professor, he worked as a couple’s therapist.
What advice do you have for someone trying to have a successful Valentine’s Day?
The true key to a successful Valentine’s Day — and a relationship as a whole — is not the big grand gestures, but the relationship building and maintenance on a day-to-day basis. Couples can come up with a few daily rituals that give both people in the relationship joy. It’s important to celebrate your relationship continuously, not just during holidays.
While an anniversary or Valentine’s Day may be a good excuse to show affection for your loved one, partners who have a regular time set aside to connect and engage in fun activities or “date nights” together such as dancing, attending concerts, hiking or biking, report more love and satisfaction than those who don’t. So celebrating our relationships should not just be a once-a-year event.
Say a couple has been putting in the work and wants to have a fun night on Valentine’s Day to celebrate their relationship. What have you found to be most successful?
Once you know your partner and their comfort zone, planning events or holidays becomes easier. Rituals or traditions like anniversaries and Valentine’s Day can be meaningful for partners, so if it is, use it as an excuse to go on that big date you’ve been wanting to go on. Take the opportunity to give your partner something they’ve been needing. However, you want to make sure these romantic gestures are within your partner’s comfort zone. It’s ok to push the boundaries a bit to make things novel and exciting, depending on the comfort you have with each other.
Anything that is novel, creative, spontaneous, and makes people feel excited about the relationship is going to be helpful. The reason exciting and enjoyable experiences are beneficial is that they allow your partner to associate a particular feeling with you, usually in these cases, a positive one. But if you make your partner uncomfortable, they might not have a good time, which could negatively affect your relationship. That’s why communication and awareness of our partners are important.
Would you say gifts are an important part of the holiday as well?
Gifts can certainly be challenging as most people have cost and time restrictions. Getting your partner something is a great idea, but similarly to how partners respond to dates, it should be something that is practical. Will they enjoy it? Or will it make their life better?
When your partner engages in an act or gesture you appreciate, research shows it’s also extremely important to express that appreciation to your partner. Expressing gratitude is critical. It forces us to pay attention to the things our partner is doing that we like in order to actively thank them. This makes partners feel appreciated and valued, and it provides a roadmap to know how we can keep pleasing each other. And expressing gratitude can be contagious!
