1. Eating. Men think they when they eat, people can’t see them. Men begin eating on a very clean table, but when they are done, it looks like a food and drink tornado has occurred directly over their heads. It is a shock that any man can hide from anyone, because you just follow the spills, crumbs and abandoned potato chips to see him looking at you, asking, “What?” Men won’t readily admit it, but they don’t really know what to do with the cloth napkin is for. Magic Tricks at the table? Make the check disappear? Hmmm, that’s not a bad idea.
2. Cleanliness. Men think they are the cleanest people in the world, until they meet a female. To a guy, a clean house means that he can get from the door to the TV, and then to bed with only tripping once or twice. To them; clutter is art, dust is a friend, and washing clothes once a week is a suggestion, not a must. Handing a man a mop is like handing him something from another planet. He doesn’t know how to use it, but then starts to balance it on his finger and walk around the house saying, “Huh? Look at this. See, I’m the balance master.”
3. Gas (not for your car). Men are tall 14-year old boys. I sincerely believe that, and I am a man. Men believe that their bodies double as musical devices (they forget about the aroma that accompanies said “musicality”), and they love to share it. Men have battles of “butt burps” often, and if the Olympic Commision would see the worldwide value, farting would be an Olympic sports. If they added it, the event would have to take place far from the Olympic flame.
4. Style of Dress. Men rarely think about “what goes with what,” they are far more interested in what fits. They would wear flip-flops to a wedding on or off the beach. They feel tuxedos are a fancy looking strait jacket, and would rather wear big shorts and a concert shirt to a wedding. Seriously, they would.
5. Gift Choices. Men don’t possess the understanding of knowing what a lady wants or needs when choosing a gift. They buy something they like, and hope that love will put them in a spell of liking it. True personal story here, I went to a store to buy a Christmas gift for my wife. As I entered the women’s clothing section, I saw it – a purple sweater. Purple, yes that’ll be perfect. Prince, the artist who is now know as Prince again, likes purple (ya know, Purple Rain), and women like Prince’s music. It’s perfect. I bought it, and gave it to her proudly. She opened it, acted surprised and then I never saw the sweater again. Turns out, there are many other gifts I bought on a whim, that were strike outs. Thank goodness she loves me beyond my gift choices. I ask her for specific lists now. Much better.
6. Wedding Planning. Men feel that a wedding is a long hallway to the honeymoon, with gifts piled on as you walk down the hallway. The fiance asks the guy to help her make choices for the wedding, which is like asking a baby for winning lottery numbers. If, and I mean if, the guy actually comes up with some answers to the caterer, the chapel, colors, etc, it rarely is accepted. I suggest responding with, “Aw honey, I’m cool with whatever you choose. It’s your day.” If a man was put in charge of making choices for a wedding, it would be a site to behold; Chapel would be turned into the interior of the Death Star, brides maids would wear short skirts (Hey, I asked my wife, too) and real high heels, the music would be a U2 cover band, and it would end with indoor pyrotechnics and lasers. Men should not be in charge of one of the most important days of a woman’s life, trust me.
7. Music. Men like music that scares their Mom and Grandma. The louder the better, and the less you can understand the words. I think the rock finger symbol is a way that fans of the band tell the band, “Thank you for creating music that made our parents kick us out of our house, and by the way, can you start printing the lyrics to the songs, cuz we have no idea what you are singing”.
8. Movies. Men like movies, but not the kind of movies women like. Men like movies that have spaceships, the Mafia, unbelievable stunts, walking trees, war, sports of some kind, gross jokes, car chases, gun fights, things blowing up and Angelina Jolie. Women like none of those kind of movies, unless it also includes Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Drew Barrymore, crying, talking and a guy proclaiming his undying love to a woman in a British accent.
9. Patience – for the right things. Patience is a double-edged sword between men and women. Women really don’t have much patience at all to wait while a guy, “Finishing this awesome game level,” as they leave the house. However, if a guy is waiting for his gal while she shops for clothes, shoes, makeup (okay, anything really), or “saying goodbye” to her female friends as they leave the party, she expects him to have the patience of Job. I once snuck over my XBOX 360 to her friends house, finished the entire game I was playing at home, and she never knew. Well, until now. Hi honey. Love you.
10. Holidays with her family. Men could loathe this mini Jerry Springer show, or enjoy it for what it is. Some guys might;
Tell older family members, “You told me that story before,” even though it’s the first time the heard it,
Act like you “understand” what the dog means when it barks, “Rex would like for you to serve the Cheesecake before dinner. He also wants purified water in his bowl. Ya know, Rex picks up your belittling response to his request. Tsk Tsk , and you are a dog person. Oh, he just barked that wine with the Cheesecake now would make it all better”,
Answer the phone in different voices and languages,
Tell the family crazy stories around the table during the meal, “Did I ever tell you I was a sign twirler? Did I ever tell you I was in pop band, Menudo? Did I ever tell you I called Raquel Welch by mistake, and got a date with her?”
Put tape on all the cat’s tails and blame in on the youngest child in the house,
Not that I would ever do anything of these things… 🙂
I want to thank Stacy for asking me to be a Guest Blogger here. She is awesome. My name’s Jeff, and my blog is Men are Dumb, and I Should Know at: http://menaredumb.info/